Money Is Happiness to Me

not too long ago i hated women who loved money like how i would like to have like em right now .

Now time changed it all . All the prob gathered cause of money . Im just 22 years old but i already have a lot of debt from the loan i used for my diplomacy . Now i got a huge problem where im furthering my studies as ayah forced me to do it so even when i said this PAMS courses would not go any further , jobless , shitty back at it about money > i got no money to pay the house that we're gonna rent . I felt so depressed , stress , numb ,sad , mixes of all emotion . I feel like I wasnt supposed to do my degree right now as it seem bad enough to just quit because ayah gonna hate me more than now and my friend will suffer the most to cover up . Couple week ago , it was the climax where im on the final examination week and all of sudden after i did a whole calculation for the next semester im f up . How am I gonna survive . How am I going to tell my future housemate that i cant afford it all . Im living in the village area far from the city with only a month and half break what can i do ?? I got no saving at all i've been used it all during diplomacy . I loose hope . Im too afraid to tell too . I never been hit this hard , the feeling is so different , I have to think a lot on that f week while im striving to survive over sleep anemia my hormonal being imbalanced get me being so hot tempered lil women . Its a hard week to hold my anger in front of my f friend . I feel so sorry for them but i kept shut as to not letting out my bad word get out because that would be so disrespectful because i lived with em for that whole semester and planning to be housemate next sem . Im F up . Screw it . I leave the room couple moment on that week to not disturbing them but i found out that all of the looking like they get seems to hate me being that way . they didnt act the same . i know i was wrong but hell no time to chit chat on study week . I dont know what to do . So as im here im telling my parent that all the plan is good for next sem . What am i doing ?????? bloody idiot .

Day by day i keep hating my dad i feel like im being dumped out by him . His word is so hurtful always give me hard time to process it and digest it . Did he ever notice he always downgrades me and i never appreciate that kind of talk or joke .  I told him last week that im gonna go n get my motorcycle licence again and he didnt give a shit again . keep hitting me up with awful talk . I said i got all cover for the fees and am im asking him to allow me to used the motorcycles to ride to that place . H mf threw so hurtful line 'iam not gonna responsible on whats gonna happen to you and not i aint gonna help you with a single cent to pay summon' and he kept saying im put him into troubles . Shit no . so okay i ask him to sent me to juasseh to get the bus . He is so mean , he yell out ' i just got back frm Juasseh and now you want me to sent you there , why didnt you follow me just now , careless , im f up again and i said 'you didnt even tell any of us that youre going to the pump station' and he said 'i told you before' holy lord i feel like i want to blows him up and prick with a sharp needle . He never doubt whatever the word that he throw cuz he is cocky never loose to small peep me . I hate you ayah . I though before i came back in this house i wanna treat like nothing ever hit me hard before so im pretending to be cool because i wanna put the pain away to get the old sensation of this place where it was a home to me back then . I dont want to put him in a hard time so i got my risky initiative by my own . i put aside my money for license and for rent house's deposit . I didnt even ask them money for this two thing . Im proud of it . So may time , im in tears after knowing that ayah pay a lot of stuff for ayoi n ateh . He is supportive to them .

Good in grades ! Yes absolutely ayah treat everyone through their grades . Honestly i always have worst grade among them all . no matter how hard i try . ayah dont appreciate the effort that i sacrifice to be just a little pinch like them cuz i still dont reach that level called 'pandai' . I was born not as good like along,ateh and ayoi why ayah still force me to do my degree even he knew that i wont achieve it . im in tear again. he's not the best dad . i always stress over this kind of thing . Ayah should not compare me with them again . he always make a joke bout it n tell em . sometimes i feel like i wanna disappear or just living in other world . I always try to make a positive way to think whats the message behind all of this . I pray that im gonna have a good grade this semester . cuz i wanna see him happy like the way he was when my other sister got their exam grades . i wanna get that smile , that 'wow hebatlah' 'tahniah' . You what ayah the truth about the story of lecturer that called me and ask me if i was okay because i really look pale because i cry a lot , i was so numb all the week because i think why am i here (studying) , i have no money i dont wanna burden you , i cant give good grades , next semester i dont get room , i dont have friend , im in a lot of troubles and i dont have anyone to tell . that is it ayah , but when i came to this house i tell you different story i tell you that she is weird . I wanna quit ayah , im not into this and i kept giving you a lot of trouble . I better start making money and help you out so that you and ibu treat me like the way you treat them .

Im good at hiding the dark side of me ayah . from my upsr you compare me with others . i was upset too ayah but you just like that never change because your level of ego is still on top of the mt peak . I really hope you are a good listener like others dad out there but you are choosy . i can count on back that i help you menoreh , i help you build that house , i help you do the chores that they hate the most, i took care of you while youre in IKN doing radiotherapy , i buy you present every birthday too buy smile the word 'thank you' but you didnt see what i did for you . you only see ateh , abang and others who sent you for appointment with dr , im pissed off at some point i start to talk less , i didnt buy you things , i try to not shake hand with you because im so envy the way you salam others . the kiss the hug the goodbye word , the smile , tap on shoulder , i never had that .

i wish one day he will notice me that ive done my best to get his attention before but now im tired im givin up .


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